When I was a kid, what I wanted to be was a doctor. It’s not because it’s a “worth fulfilling” job but because it’s a “high-paying job” and it’s kind of a smart job to have ( you look smart when you’re a doctor which is actually true most of the time). I thought being a doctor would bring me to the luxurious life that I’ve always dreamt of. Because the truth was, my life sucks when I was still a kid.
When I was a kid, my mother was an OFW and my father, who was living a bachelor life while my mother was away, made a lot of mistakes. I and my siblings were left to our aunt. And as the eldest daughter, I was assigned to take care of my siblings. My life was hard back then. I’ve experienced a lot of things that a five year old was not supposed to be doing. I actually don’t remember if I’ve ever got the chance to play with my friends back then. Imagine the documentaries about kids working at a young age, that’s who I was.
But let’s forget about my childhood for now.
So yeah, I dreamt of becoming a doctor because it’s a well-paid job. But then, when my mother came back and when I already experienced the life that I ought to, I changed the direction of my dreams. From being a doctor, I developed a fascination towards being a teacher. I remember myself doing lesson plans in front of our house when I first came in Baseco. It was a funny thing as I remember it. I was acting as a teacher but since I still don’t have friends back then, I don’t have someone to pose as my student. To be honest, during those times, even if I’m alone doing those funny things, I was happy. Until I graduated in elementary, it was still my dream.
But when I started high school, my dream of becoming a teacher had once again changed. I was once again turning into a “money hound.”
In high school, I was fascinated with my classmates who dreamt of becoming accountants and engineers. I thought, “Wow!” Those jobs are super cool and were high-paying jobs. That’s when I started copying them. I started wanting to become a civil engineer, mainly because of two reasons; a) my father wants it, and b) it is a high-paying and a worth-fulfilling job. (And also because I was good in math. Hihi)
But then college came. Everything changed once again.
During my college entrance application, we were asked to fill-up our three course choices. I put down the following, respectively: 1) Accountant, 2) Mass Communication, and 3) Business Administration. My thoughts back then was to just get into the Accountancy field because, again, it’s a worth-fulfilling and a high-paying job (money hound nga kasi)! But of course, you can’t force divine intervention not to intervene. I didn’t make it to the Accountancy field because I didn’t reach the quota. I was so frustrated back then.
And then of course, Mass Communication was where I got in. I expected to feel out of place because I wasn’t really expecting to be a Mass Communication student. Yes, I have journalism experience when I was still in high school but that wasn’t really because I liked it back then. I just followed my friends in taking the subject because it gave high grades compared to livelihood subjects. Luckily, I didn’t feel alone because I have two of my friends with me – Mervin and Trixie — when I took Mass Communication.
Everything went well when we started joining MassComm classes. I got to meet new faces and new friends. Little by little, I’ve learned to accept that MassComm was where I belong.
Before, I thought engineers, accountants, doctors, and architects were just the good professions to take and the genius people. But when I met my college mates, I learned that everything I knew were lies. (Yeah I know. It’s cheesy!) Information Technology is the new high-paying job and Mass Communication is the new worth-fulfilling job! (You may see it as BIAS, but that’s MY truth). Of course, doctors were still the high-paid and worth-fulfilled people; but medical courses were not really an ideal course when you’re POOR! (I can’t afford the books and the tuition plus my mother will die of frustration waiting for me to graduate so I gave up on it).
I learned from my classmates and co-publication staff that MassComm is a very worth-fulfilling job. You can express yourself artistically in many ways and that’s actually your job. I remember this one time when I wrote randomly my feelings for a literary piece and then my editor complimented me so much that my heart felt like it was going to burst out of happiness. I wasn’t really expecting to be appreciated. For me, all I wanted was to earn the space in the newspaper and get the money (because I need money to buy my books). But when Carl told me those words, I began thinking of what I really want to do. I realized that I want to be able to express my thoughts through words and be appreciated for it (while getting paid, of course. HAHA). And that’s when I realized that I want to write for a newspaper or a magazine after I graduate.
So after I graduated, I started applying to different publication companies like Summit Media, Manila Times, Manila Bulletin, Philippine Star, and ABS-CBN Publication. But I didn’t get any feedback. That only means I’m not qualified, I guess. I became so frustrated of waiting for their feedback. I was losing hope because my friends were working already and my mother kept on bugging me to find a job.
After a month of being “pabigat and palamunin,” I got an SMS from ABS-CBN Digital Media Services about a job. Long story short, I got accepted immediately. I was honestly over-whelmed because I got accepted just after I got interviewed. I thought,”Woah! That fast?” Things were running smoothly back then. After two weeks of training, I finally had a job. Not really the same as what I wanted to do, but at least it’s a job. It was still related to Mass Communication so I settled for it.
But after a year and seven months, I resigned from my first job. (Read here!)
That brings me to my current job: a bum with less money and lost mind.
Right now, I’m lost in translation. I don’t know where I want to be and what I want to do. I’m currently applying to a lot of companies; especially to those related to writing jobs (because I still believe that writing is where I’m good at). But once again, I was rejected. I am once again losing hope. My savings are getting drained and I’m getting tired of going to companies who are saying that they’re going to call me. It’s been three months and two weeks.
I’m starting to think that my capabilities are not good enough. I’m not good enough. My writing skills are pathetic and it doesn’t have any sense. Maybe I’m just going to be a money hound forever. Maybe I’m not going to fulfill my dream and fill my soul. Maybe my journey in this era is bound to take the safe path but not the fulfilling one.
I don’t really know where I’m bound to go.
I don’t know where my career path is going.
The struggle is very real, bes!
All I know is, I still want to fulfill my promise to my mother that I’m going to ease her life before I get married and have my own family.
But what to do, bes? insert big crying emoji here